The Parenting Project

This one was disappointing.  There’s very little in Dr. Spock on sleep beyond the basics.  I already know that babies need a bedtime routine and that toddlers will transition from 2 to 1 naps per day.  What I need help with is getting Charlotte to sleep through the night.  She’s always been a good sleeper, but sometimes she wakes up in the middle of night wanting something to eat.  Usually, she’ll go back to sleep after a fresh diaper and a bottle of milk.  Occasionally, she’ll be full of energy and want to play, keeping one of us up for a couple of hours before going back to sleep.  But my main concern is what to do about these 3 AM feedings.

Dr. Spock gives virtually no advice here, but does have some interesting things to say about feeding and nutrition.  Maybe if she gets more calories throughout the day and at dinner, she’ll stop waking up.  Here’s the skinny:

- No TV during meals.

- Don’t pressure your kid to eat at mealtime, as this can cause the opposite of the desired effect.  Don’t worry if foods like vegetables are refused for a while, just keep offering them.

- Kids will do as you do, not as you say!  Your own diet is a powerful example.

- To ensure a good appetite, give fruits or veggies as a snack, not milk.  And always ensure the snack is at least 90 minutes before mealtime.

- 20 to 30 minutes is usually enough time for a child to eat.  Once they start playing with their food, meal time is over.

Additional tidbits:

- Dr. Spock does not recommend dairy products after the age of two.

- Low meat, vegetarian, and vegan diets are suggested as safe.

I also realized that Charlotte is not getting enough beans.  So here’s the new sleeping and eating plan (for her and us too!).

8:00 AM – Wake up

8:30 AM – Oatmeal, fruit, yogurt, water

11:30 AM – Wheat bread, beans or nut/seed butter, veggies, cheese

12 Noon – Nap

3:00 PM – Veggies, fruit, crackers, water (no diary products)

5:30 PM – Eggs, rice or pasta, veggies, fruit, milk

7:00 PM – Bath, bottle, bed

Let’s hope this plan will get her enough calories to make it from sundown to sunup!

So we went to the park on Friday to try out Dr. Spock’s advice on how to transition Charlotte off the swing without a meltdown.  I posted a summary of his recommendations on April 7.

I definitely took the first step of prevention by nixing the morning park trip, since it was getting too close to lunch time and she was getting tired early from waking up early (more on that next time).  We went after her nap instead, when she was fresh.  I brought the bubbles and the ball, but left them in the car and was able to get her to run around the park by playing hide-and-seek.  She kept going over to the swings, but was willing to let me carry her over to the slides.

After about 30 minutes, it was time to swing.  I put her on and pushed for a good 10 minutes, then let the swing slowly come to a stop by itself.  This seemed to help!  She let me take her out with minimal protest as I started to tell her about the exciting episode of Sesame Street that was waiting for her back in the minivan.  I didn’t even have to give her my iPhone.

So all in all, the advice worked pretty well!  But the main thing I learned is that I have to be engaged with her.  At the playdate last week, I was feeling tired and I wanted to chat and socialize with my friends.  I really just wanted her to amuse herself, and my lack of attention definitely contributed to a bad situation.  Sometimes I want to be lazy and she lets me get away with it, but sometimes I have to put her need for my undivided focus ahead of my desire to catch up with girlfriends… or suffer the consequences.

Next time – Spock on sleeping through the night!

Charlotte loves the swing.  She loves it too much, actually.  No matter how long I push her in a swing, it’s never enough and she gets very upset when I take her out.  Today, I made the mistake of letting her swing in our friend’s backyard.  After 5 minutes, I took her out and she kept asking/grunting to be put back in.  The situation devolved from there.  Half an hour later, she was still trying to get back into the swing, crying, melting down, snot everywhere.  End of playdate.

I did a little brainstorming with my housekeeper and nanny, both experienced moms of grown children and professional babysitters, and came up with the new policy – No swinging until the end of the park visit or playdate.  That way, if she melts down, we’re on our way home anyway.  I don’t know how well this will work since she’s pretty obsessed, but that’s my best plan so far.

Now, the question is, what does Dr. Spock say and will it work?

There are two different sections on tantrums and “trouble stopping fun activities,” starting on pages 142 and 543.  Here’s all the advice in a nutshell:

1 – Prevent tantrums resulting from hunger or fatigue or over-stimulation.  Make sure your kid has enough exercise, toys, and babyproofing to freely explore.  Don’t give choices when you don’t need to – just put on the shirt or take her to the potty instead of asking and giving her the option of saying “no.”  Also, give a couple of minutes of transition time.  And maybe most importantly, be consistent about the rules.

2 – Interrupt tantrums by cheerfully distract your kid with the next “fun” thing you want them to transition to.  Then confidently pick her up and move her without scolding.

3 – During a tantrum, don’t give in, don’t argue, don’t get mad.  For some kids, you should just go about your business, for others make a friendly gesture or fun suggestion.  In public, carry her off to a quiet spot if you can find one.

Additional tidbits:

- More than 3 tantrums a day of more than 10 minutes each is excessive and you should consult your doctor.

- Different kids have different traits that might lead to tantrums: physical sensitivity (this kid might hate certain clothes), persistence (this kid might do well later in school), intensity (can you say “drama queen?”), reserve (needs time to warm up to new people and places).

So here’s my plan for the park on Friday.  A) If she doesn’t eat enough for breakfast, give her some milk.  Playdates and park visits needs to end by 11 AM.  B) Bring a ball and bubbles, and try to get her to run around the park as much as possible.  C) At the end of the park visit, let her swing for 5 minutes and give her transition time by letting the swing come to a stop by itself and let her sit in the stopped swing for a minute.  D) Distract her with my iPhone if necessary to get her to the car.  E) Never give her a second turn on the swings.  Once you’re done, you’re done.

Today, I think I did everything wrong.  Not enough breakfast so she was hungry, staying too long so she was tired.  Not actively distracting her something fun after taking her out of the swing.  Not waiting until the end of the playdate.  Stay tuned for an update on my results!

This month’s book is the great-granddaddy of them all, Dr. Spock’s much beloved baby book, which has been around since 1945.  Whenever I talk to my in-laws about the latest toddler book I’m reading, they invariable shrug and say, “When we were raising kids, all we had was Dr. Spock and it worked just fine.”  So to properly begin at the beginning, I’m going to tackle the relevant chapters of this venerable piece of Americana and the defining book of the whole genre.

The most recent edition was published in 2004 and contains trendy chapters like “Hyperactivity (ADHD),” “Video Games,” “Gay and Lesbian Parents,” and “Terrorism and Disasters.”  I can’t help but wonder what the 2014 edition will have.  Super High-Definition ADHD?  Holographic Video Games?  Post-operative Transsexual Parents?  How to give a time-out via Skype?  It’s a complicated world, people.

In the introduction, parents are asked to “Think about your goals.”  I’m asked, “What are your aims in raising a child?”  This really gives me pause, and challenges me to go deeper than my standard answer of “happy and healthy.”  Upon reflection, I’d like my daughter to become an adult who is curious about herself and the world and who will discover her calling.  I think this kind of self-actualization leads to happiness and fulfillment.  So I want to give her a solid foundation, meaning good health, discipline, and self-esteem.

There’s also a more prosaic list of what I want for her.  Good grades, supportive friends, successful career, a loving husband and family (grandkids!), and financial stability.  Some things don’t change, and especially not that particular checklist.  So I’ll try and use all this as my compass while wrestling more immediate issues like how to get her potty trained!  I’m not exactly sure how that will all work since my desire for her to be curious about the world does NOT extend to letting her play with her own pee.